idiot. Sports, dive bars, and weird Arizona stuff. yeah I’m the Peloton thread guy.
Any politician who uses the hyperbole “...the most [whatever] in American history” should have to take an AP American History exam on the spot.
Imagine raising a son, loving him, teaching him to ride a bike, going to countless sports games and school plays, helping with homework, etc. After years of nurturing he grows up to be a strong, healthy adult. And then John Wick kills him in like one second at a eurotrash rave.
RT @Dbacks: @ClueHeywood You think they’ll let you back in the country?
My beloved @DBacks are playing the Padres in Mexico City on April 18 & 19, 2020 and I will definitely be there. You should go too. If you do, I’ll buy you a mezcal at La Clandestina.
Finally my work is recognized in academia (thx @yeetgod_neckass for sending this to me)
Stayed up late enough tonight to see a current The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, and I have to ask if he has writers or if he just ad libs every night? So much material to work with but nah, go with the obvious easiest joke
I did Man of Constant Sorrow by the Soggy Bottom Boys, never done it before, I think it killed
Back out and about at a Phoenix dive bar and it’s karaoke night, what should I sing? Challenge me.
Hey if Judaism is a nationality I want Episcopalians to be a nationality too. We’ll meet monthly at the country club, hosted bar, pot luck dinner (please nothing spicy)
The upside of Trump: as someone who struggles with depression, it's nice to know EVERYONE wakes up with an overwhelming sense of dread now
I’m a stepdad. Defining stepdad characteristic:
Love these “end of the decade” things because I think of something and realize it happened in 2004, which is still this decade when you’re old
Went to the Korean BBQ place alone. Beginning to think I have a Korean BBQ problem, you guys. Maybe I need help.
Probably the coolest thing about being a Gentile is getting deputized in the antisemitic patrol. Got a badge and everything. Don’t worry Jews, I’ll protect you when it fits my narrative.
I like the responses that assume this is my job. “You’ve lost business today, sir!” Don’t worry sugar I can run off my own clients in real life
Probably my favorite thing on this trash website is getting a bunch of followers from one viral tweet then quickly bleeding them for weeks afterward, with the occasional reply that I “should be ashamed of [my]self”
Joe Biden insists on driving in front of the No Malarkey Express in a 1979 Trans Am, just talking gibberish into the CB the whole time
Someone played Baby Blue by Badfinger on the juke, feels like someone’s gonna get clipped, I’ve seen this movie before
Just overheard a drunk guy at this Arizona dive bar yell “but the Constitution!” so things are about to get good
Dammit Wal-Mart. Knew I should’ve trademarked “cocaine Santa”
I don’t know much about British politics but this election appears to be between a dumb-but-evil golden retriever and the bearded guy you met at a youth hostel while backpacking Europe who began every sentence with “the problem with America is...”
Did someone say Tuesday afternoon beers?
Thousand bucks says Trump always sings USMCA to the tune of YMCA in his head, just like you can’t say the alphabet without thinking of the song
Lane Kiffin giving off a real “been cut off at the Hard Rock Biloxi a few times” vibe
Just learned of the restaurant in Rifle, Colorado where all the servers open carry and folks I suggest we burn the country down for the insurance money
Feels like I need to get out of town and cause some mayhem tomorrow night. Maybe in Tucson. Maybe in Mexico.
NFL overtime is “one ten minute quarter” but it’s not a quarter, it would be a sixth, someone explain fractions to Goodell
Boogie Nights is a Christmas movie, don’t @ me
Eli Manning doesn’t care about the Hall of Fame. He wants to get into Hogwarts.
Oh sure Eagles fans love Doug Pedersen when he’s on a heater at the Bellagio but now that he’s losing $1 blackjack in Laughlin he gets booed off the field
Gonna eat my weight in Korean BBQ or die trying, god bless this country
Mom told Eli if he retires after this season he gets to have all the ice cream he can eat!
Marriage Story: the movie that judges YOU!
this flight just had the longest taxi since the 1978 two-parter “memories of cab 804”!!
My favorite dad joke is when we taxi a long way to loudly say “I guess we’re driving there!” It always kills.
Looks like Paulie and his robot from Rocky IV had a kid
oh hell yeah Sunday Night Football playing dada’s “Dizz Knee Land” as bumper music, the 90s are back baby
Hey @budlight do a commercial with an intervention for the Bud Light King, you cowards
Oh hey little guy, merry christmas morning I guess, yeah santa came and all your crap’s over there, daddy’s just finishing his workout and mommy is still on her “business trip” with Steve
Wait isn’t this the plot from Wayne’s World 2
Love it when my young football team somehow gets worse as the season goes on, great game @AZCardinals
“This would be the first Impeachment in American history without a specific criminal statute or crime that the president whose impeached would have allegedly committed.” Paul Gigot, The Wall Street Journal
You keep flushing this shit but we’re not gonna swallow it
RT @PaulWHauser: The research for Hedgehog has been pretty upsetting.
Look at these mustaches. Gotta think Paul Walter Hauser is in the mix to star in the 2022 summer blockbuster Hedgehog: The Ron Jeremy Story
Do you have ideas on how to improve the joke in my tweet? Sure, you could use the “reply” button...but have you heard of the “unfollow” button? Try it!
If you share a stadium with a team that loses to the Dolphins twice you get an automatic 4.0 for the semester
Phoenix folks: said it on here before but the Al Pastor pizza from My Slice of the Pie will change your life for the better This is not a sponsored tweet, it’s just that good.
I sure hope Richard Jewell opens strong next week because I don’t know how many movie critic “bomb” jokes America can handle
It’s sad to hear he passed but I can still say it’s messed up they’re burying him in the Big Bird suit
Season Record ATS 86-95-2 (fade my picks, basically) Week 14: Ravens -6.5 Packers -13 Texans -9 Saints -1.5 Browns -7 Panthers +4 Vikings -13 Jets -4.5 Colts +3 Jags +3 Chiefs +3 Cardinals +2 Raiders +3 Seahawks EVEN Giants +9.5
Season record ATS: 79-87-2 (yes I suck) Week 13 picks: Lions +6 Bills +6.5 Falcons +7 Packers -6.5 Panthers -10 Ravens -6 Colts -3 Eagles -10 Bucs -1 Jets -3 Browns-2.5 Rams -3 Raiders +10 Chargers -3 Texans +4 Seahawks -3
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