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None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine https://trib.al/dxwOrTv
Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century https://trib.al/fTyLTvH #WhatDoYouThink?
Satellite Frantically Trying To Bounce Signal To Swearing Man's Phone https://trib.al/UPz6pCW
RT @TheOnion: Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account https://trib.al/qZjXqZD http…
Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans https://trib.al/fgwZ4ji
Report: Chinese Third-Graders Falling Behind U.S. High School Students in Math, Science https://trib.al/pfAV0HN
RT @TheOnion: Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account https://trib.al/qZjXqZD http…
Former Lovers Meet In Coffee Shop For One Last Cliché https://trib.al/4l2RQLK
National News Highlights
Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time https://trib.al/DKpGJch
"The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what appears to be a highly coordinated effort to make me look like some kind of whiny, impetuous idiot." https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1108445678303432705
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual https://trib.al/IZTjzsI
For the latest from the world’s most unstoppable media juggernaut, visit http://theonion.com.
"You and I have a lot of catching up to do." https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1108436811939016706
Velociraptor From 'Jurassic Park' Dies https://trib.al/pugpG26
6th-Grade Teacher Seen Making Out With GameStop Dude https://trib.al/z00TQ8t
Beto O'Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising https://trib.al/ocga3Je #WhatDoYouThink?
Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History
Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account https://trib.al/qZjXqZD
Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle https://trib.al/cshkRMU
Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration https://trib.al/89zTlWI
Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt https://trib.al/Y8MZKbL
Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging https://trib.al/onHCp2Y
Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni https://trib.al/vfT7X5j
One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port https://trib.al/tPaq2Se #WhatDoYouThink?
Community Garden Sprouts First Condom Wrapper Of Spring https://trib.al/KOO5ai6
Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It https://trib.al/s8BHdj8
Leaf That Came Out Too Early Cold As Shit https://trib.al/asDrjdx
‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud https://trib.al/wF5iwzu
RT @TheOnion: Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia https://trib.al/R9lOo39 https://…
"We are committed to combating violence and hate speech on our platform, but can you really call these posts hate speech when a lot of them are based on science and logic?" https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1108077949721419776
Family Relieved To Hear Good Grandma Didn't Die https://trib.al/f5DpuXS
National News Highlights
Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting https://trib.al/viCODNG #WhatDoYouThink?
"According to our data, processing information from these highfalutin’ books has a direct correlation to getting a little too big for your britches and turning into a real sass-back." https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1108031399582420992
God bless and keep @TheOnion. https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1108077949721419776
Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework https://trib.al/N8OCs25
To see more unmatched reporting, visit http://theonion.com.
New Pepsi Product Specifically Mentions Target Demographic In Name https://trib.al/OkUSyKV
Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants https://trib.al/Y26gQNZ #WhatDoYouThink?
Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill https://trib.al/voAcU3d
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper https://trib.al/jdBFwwD
Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia https://trib.al/R9lOo39
Facebook: ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ https://trib.al/uXpzqkP
RT @TheOnion: Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini https://trib.al/Oy3mTUr
5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg
Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time https://trib.al/5M2HM3E
This Week's Editorial Cartoon: "The Green New Meal" https://trib.al/WGvMNj7
Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk https://trib.al/aqx57wz
Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 https://trib.al/PuTCNiR
Nostalgic Scientists Rediscover Polio Vaccine https://trib.al/fyTrm42
Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket https://trib.al/Yy1b7PD
Caller Enters Remote Backwaters Of 1-800 Automated Messaging System https://trib.al/8pvPbws
'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store https://trib.al/IAxhWDH
RT @TheOnion: NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal https://trib.al/iJdh9uu…
New Royal Caribbean Cruise Just 12-Day Buffet On Floor Of Empty Dockside Warehouse https://trib.al/VzSOVZ3
RT @TheOnion: Trump: 'Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead' https://trib.al/6zOSZaP
RT @TheOnion: Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors https://trib.al/jelMIg0 https://t.co/odJ…
RT @TheOnion: Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say https://trib.al/BIuypZ0 #WhatDoYouThink?
RT @TheOnion: Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick’s Day Parade https://trib.al/xz27gDQ
 
 
 
 
 
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